28. Self-Confidence

Hi, friends. Welcome to Fearless Infertility a podcast for women struggling with the mental anguish that comes with infertility. My name is Jenica and after suffering in silence for too long I was able to pull myself out of the dark, take control over my mind, and create joy during my infertility experience. I’m here to help you do the same, sister. Let’s dive into today’s show.

This week’s episode of Fearless Infertility podcast is all about self-confidence. Where it comes from and how to get more so you can truly progress, and grow, and live the life of your dreams.

Hello my friends and welcome back to Fearless Infertility. My name is Jenica and I’m so glad that you’re here. And I’m so glad that you have taken this time in your day in the busyness of the chaos of life. And whether you’re multitasking or whether you’re sitting enjoying a cup of hot chocolate, which I hope you are, you’re probably not but I hope you are. I’m so proud of you for carving out the time in your day to fill up your own cup.

I’ve always believed and know that this is true, that when you take the time to put yourself first and fill up your own cup then you actually have the capacity to give. Because when you’re full you have plenty to give. When you’re completely running on empty what is there to give? To yourself, to those around you that you love?

And so my wish and hope is that you walk away from this podcast episode with action items to help you to continue to progress and move forward and really understand yourself better so that you can accept the good, the bad, and everything in between of yourself and really start to love to life that you are creating for yourself right now. And I know that that’s possible for you.

To start the podcast I love to read Apple Podcast reviews because I love to see how this podcast is impacting you. And I can relate to pretty much all of them where this work has genuinely changed my life for the better and it’s really exciting for me to be able to see that it’s doing that for you as well.

And then also I love to give away a pair of pajamas and socks to one of the viewers each week because I know that when there are more reviews it helps this podcast to be seen by those who are alone in infertility and have no idea who I am or the tools that I teach and they’re feeling lonely and feeling like they don’t have the support that they need during their infertility experience.

And so when you leave a review it helps them to be able to find the podcast more easily. So it’s just a little incentive for me and I’m so excited to treat some of you to my pajamas and socks that I sell on thesliceofsun.com. They are buttery soft, they’re the perfect gift for yourself or for anyone experiencing infertility, or anyone really. They don’t say like I’m going through infertility on the front of them. They’re just really beautiful classic bamboo pajamas.

So the winner this week is from the username Masyu, M-A-S-Y-U. And the title of the review is, “This podcast is like an ER for emotional pain.” She says, “I had no idea I could find a podcast that would immediately make me feel not alone and in a safe space. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for creating this podcast and for the amazing support you provide.

The trying to conceive journey can be very isolating and devastating. Navigating between personal emotions associated with losses, along with big fat negative tests and insensitive comments from people who never cease to wonder about children can become a battlefield where one can feel defeated. It is comforting to hear other’s stories and to feel normal again.”

Please email me at thesliceofsun.com with your address and size and we will get those sent out to you. And thank you so much for taking the time out or your day to share how this podcast has benefited you.

I wanted to read a couple more because they’re so good you guys. The next one says, “Thank you. Jenica has given me an amazing road map of how to find joy during the hard times. I felt so alone when I found out I have to go through IVF and may never have children. She is so incredible and I love the guests she has on. I can face the future fearlessly because of her.”

I love that. Thank you so much. Please continue to leave reviews on Apple Podcasts and make sure to subscribe so that whenever a new episode comes out, you’ll be the first to hear and get the latest info.

My husband Tyler and I just got back from a lovely vacation to Cabo in Mexico. And we’d never been before, it was amazing. Tyler has always wanted to go. And it was a couple’s trip and we went from a Wednesday to a Sunday and it was the perfect amount of time.

And I love that I was so excited to leave and go on the vacation. And I was also so excited to come home and to continue to do what I love to do, which is build things to help you and your infertility journey. To share the tools and the model that has helped me and can help solve any problem.

And you really know that you are doing what you feel called to do when you’re so excited to come home from vacation and get back to work to it. And that does not mean that 50% of it isn’t incredibly difficult and incredibly uncomfortable, pushing me past my comfort zone.

And I’m constantly learning new things. But I love that I have been called to do this work and just based on my experience that I get to help you. So I’m excited to get back into it.

Make sure you go to the show notes, which are linked here if you go to the podcast show notes. Or you can go to thesliceofsun.com/28 to get the Morning Mindset Magic Checklist that I created for you for free. It is a download that I’ll send right to your email.

And it is the morning routine that I have really perfected for myself over the last couple of years and I’m sharing that with you. And I really believe in setting our minds up for success by doing things that we know will put us in that mindset to be able to use our prefrontal cortex and make decisions versus being reactive.

So make sure to go to thesliceofsun.com/28 or go to the show notes and sign up for the Morning Mindset Magic Checklist so you can start doing those things that I have done myself and seen a drastic change in the way that my day goes, how I feel, and the amount of things that I want to accomplish in my life. And it all starts with that Morning Mindset Magic Checklist and those items that I do each morning. And also the things that I make sure to never do.

Also, make sure you’re following along on Instagram if you like Instagram. I hang out there a lot and it would be fun to get to know you better. I ask questions, I get feedback, I share all the new things that we’re working on and the free tools that you have access to. That is @thesliceofsun.infertility.

And then if you’re feeling lonely and want to connect with other women experiencing infertility, make sure to go to our private Facebook group. It’s called Fertility Family by The Slice of Sun. And this is the best space you guys, there are so many incredible women in there who are so incredibly supportive. I just see these beautiful conversations happening where someone feels alone, or scared, or they don’t know an answer to a question and they just want to get feedback from the group.

So you can go in and ask questions about what you’re currently experiencing. You can give your feedback and support other women. And it’s this really amazing private space that’s nice because, like I said, it’s private. So if you’re more of a private person in infertility, that could be a really great place for you to get the support you need in the way that you want to best.

Today, I am so excited to be talking about where self-confidence comes from. And this has been on my mind a lot lately. And I really feel that there must be at least one of you who needs to hear it because thoughts have really impacted my life. And where I know where self-confidence comes from, I know where I can always get it. And I know that I’m able to accomplish anything in my life.

And truly, I feel like if you have self-confidence, you’re really able to do anything. I think that you know you’re capable of doing anything. And the fact is, is that all of us are. We are all incredible, spectacular beings that have so much infinite potential. But so many of us put limits on ourselves based on these limiting thoughts that we’re thinking. So today I’m going to be talking to you about where self-confidence comes from.

So the first thing, or the first concept that I want you to understand is that self-confidence essentially comes from being willing to fail more. And also being willing to feel more. So, essentially, what we’re scared of in the future or why we don’t do certain things is because we don’t want to feel a certain way.

We don’t want to feel sad. We don’t want to feel anxiety. We don’t want to feel unwanted. And we create these big stories in our minds of how scary things are going to be that we want to accomplish, when in reality what we’re really scared of is a feeling.

So if I want more self-confidence, I know that I just need to be willing to feel more. And that doesn’t mean that I know I’m going to succeed. I have no idea if I will succeed or not in the things that I want to do.

Starting this coaching program that launched on September 1st, I have no idea if people really will sign up for it. I know for a fact that if they apply what I teach and allow me to coach them, 100% they will see miraculous changes in their lives.

Now, do I know 100% even though I’m creating it, even though I’ve spent countless hours crafting this incredible coaching program, do I know that people are going to sign up? No. And I’m willing to try because not trying completely guarantees my failure.

So do I want to create success that I will help people and have a chance to help people? Or do I want a 0% chance? And that’s my choice. It’s as simple as that. Do I want to have a chance at creating something that could genuinely really help people and get out of my own way and realize it’s not about me? Or do I want to guarantee my failure by not trying?

A lot of us will not do something because we are so worried about what people think about us. But I can assure you, people are not thinking about you and if you’re going to fail or not. They’re thinking about themselves.

This is one of the beautiful concepts in life that my mother taught me in middle school. She’s like, “Jenica, no one’s thinking about you.” And I think that that’s a thought that we can carry with us through adulthood. Like, “Oh, I don’t know, people are going to think she failed. Or what will they think? They might think I’m dumb.”

Well, honestly, the truth of the matter is, is that everyone’s thinking about themselves. We all have things that we want to accomplish in life,
callings we want to fulfill in our lives, and they’re not thinking about you. Now, there are some things that we can expect in life that we know are just true.

And one of those concepts is that life will always be 50/50 negative and 50/50 positive. So half the time we’re going to be experiencing positive, great emotions that we like to feel, that we feel comfortable feeling, that we would prefer to be in. And then 50% of the time we will be feeling negative emotions and emotions that feel uncomfortable, and angry, and that we would prefer not to be in. And there’s evidence of this everywhere.

And I think that this concept has given me more freedom than any other concept. Because when things don’t feel comfortable, happy, joyful, peaceful, I’m not asking myself constantly what’s gone wrong. What have I done wrong? I must have steered in the wrong direction somewhere, made a wrong choice. Instead, I realize that life is 50/50.

And truly, I’ve talked about this before, but there’s evidence of it everywhere. So we see opposite in all things, there’s light dark, hot cold. And when night comes around we’re not like, “Oh no, it’s wrong, shouldn’t be dark.” No, night is night. The moon comes up, the sun goes down and it’s dark. And we plan our lives accordingly. We don’t resist it because that’s just how it is.

And that’s what is with us as human beings too, there’s 50/50 negative and positive in our life. So when we are experiencing something negative, we can know that nothing has gone wrong. We don’t need to compound that negativity with a lie that something has gone terribly wrong. And that we shouldn’t feel that way. We should feel that way because we are feeling that way.

I think the more you practice feeling, the more you will be able to practice and know when it’s time to move through that feeling. When you feel it as long as you need to then continue on is when you have processed it. And this takes practice. And it takes, I mean, like anything it takes practice to understand this about yourself. And you’re not going to be perfect at it at first. But the more you try and are very observant and curious about what’s going on in your brain, you’ll get better and better of it.

Discomfort is the price of growth. And it’s hard to change and push yourself to do things that are out of your comfort zone. But staying stagnant is uncomfortable too. You’re just used to it so you feel like it’s comfortable. But being stagnant and stuck and holding yourself back because you’re scared isn’t comfortable. It sucks, it’s awful. But you’re so used to it that you feel like it’s comfortable and you’d rather stay there.

Knowing that you’re capable of feeling all of the awful, horrible emotions that come with the discomfort of growth and expanding your soul and your experiences in life is where you build self-confidence. Knowing that it will be horrible and hard and half the time. And being willing to feel those hard emotions that you don’t like and doing it anyway proves to yourself how strong you are.

And 50% of the time here will be horrible and 50% of the time there when you get to your goal will also be horrible. And 50% of the time here will be great as well as after you reach your goal. But either way you’re going to be feeling that 50/50 of life, so why not accomplish your dreams and prove to yourself how absolutely spectacular you are, why not? You’ll be feeling 50/50 either way.

And when we realize that it’s this great freedom to help us move between our feelings and not compound those negative emotions by feeling them and then also resenting them because you think that there’s something that’s gone terribly wrong and you shouldn’t be feeling them.

Now, something that might also help you in understanding this and being able to accept it is that we can also consider energy. So do we want to spend our energy soothing ourselves, trying to make ourselves feel better when we know it will be 50/50 either way? Or do we want to spend that same amount of energy to actually accomplish the thing that we feel called to do?

You guys, I ask myself this literally all the time. I used to be very, very uncomfortable but I asked myself that question a lot. I’m like, “Okay, well, would I rather waste my energy here, like trying to hide from my feelings? Or would I rather use that energy to feel the feelings that are going to come with progress and growth?” And of course, knowing that I’m going to be experiencing 50/50 negative either way, I’m like, “Well, I might as well accomplish the things that I want to do.”

And let me tell you this too, you guys, I am uncomfortable almost all of the time. In building Fearless Infertility coaching, and starting this podcast, and creating this incredible community for women with infertility I had so many limiting thoughts at first. And now I’ve practiced remembering who I am, which we’ll talk about next. And I’ve also practiced this concept to where my brain no longer goes to those limiting beliefs.

But there’s always going to be some type of resistance. We’re always going to be growing and expanding until the day that we die. And so just expecting that and saying I’m going to go forward anyway, is the way that I personally want to live my life.

Another question to ask ourselves is, what are we making a problem that’s not actually a problem? For example, we have thoughts like, “It’s going to be hard. I’m going to feel awful. I don’t want to feel anxiety.” Okay, great. Those aren’t problems.

It’s going to be hard. Yeah, it is going to be hard. I’m going to feel awful. Yeah, I’ll probably feel awful. I don’t want to feel anxiety. Okay, well I’m probably going to feel anxiety anyway and that’s not a problem, it’s just life.

So what we do is we make our lives so dramatic when we fight against what we don’t want to feel. Instead, we can switch to, “I don’t want to feel anxiety, and I’m going to do it anyway. I’m going to move forward anyway.” It’s accepting the reality of your life and moving forward through the discomfort of growth.

This month in Fearless Infertility Coaching we are talking about our feelings, and how to identify what we are feeling so we can understand what thoughts are causing these feelings. This is the basis of understanding our brains.

And take it from me, there is so much peace in understanding what’s happening, and accepting it, and knowing how to process it so it benefits us instead of running from it. And I bet there are many instances in your life where you don’t even realize you are running from feelings.

I genuinely had no idea I was doing it for years. I wanted to be a positive person. I wanted to be 99% positive all of the time. And not realizing that concept of 50/50, something negative would come up for me, a negative feeling based on a thought that I had would come up for me. And I would try to run from it, I would try to hide from it.

And we’ll learn about all of this in Fearless Infertility Coaching. And what buffering means, and essentially what shoving our feelings in a closet does for us, or rather does against us.

And a lot of the thoughts that are holding us back seem very, very innocent. And there were so many thoughts that I had for so many years that were causing results in my life that I didn’t love. But I genuinely thought they were good, positive, happy thoughts. They were very innocent. And it took a coach to help me see what was happening for me. I genuinely had no idea I was doing it for years.

So as your coach, I will help you see what’s going on in your life and where you are getting in your own way. I hope you will join me in my monthly coaching membership as we work to apply these concepts together.

Another way that I feel confidence is remembering who I am. I am a daughter of God. You are a daughter of God, or higher power, or however you identify your Creator. Because you were made by the ultimate creator, you are a creator too.

I used to not believe that I was creative in the sense that a lot of people think about. I don’t like to draw, or craft, or do anything like that, it’s not my thing. I like to make a gingerbread house maybe like once a year like and that’s pushing it. I’ll do it for an hour and be like, “Hey, we’re good. That’s my creativity for the year.” As far as the world labels it.

So I was just thinking, “I’m not creative, I’m good at a lot of other things, but I’m just not creative. It’s not my thing.” But now I see myself in the truth of who I am, which is a daughter of God. And it reminds me that I am a creator too because the ultimate creator of the universe created me. I am made after his image, so I am a creator as well.

And I completely limited myself for a long time when I thought the thought, “I’m not creative,” because when thinking that thought I’m putting myself into the box that the world has deemed creative. I think a lot of us think of artists as creative, or painters, musicians, things like that.

But the reality of it is that every single one of us is creative. We create things all of the time. I create dinner for my family. I create a bed that is made. I create things in this life, that have never been created by anybody else before as well. And I can create anything that I want. Anything is possible.

When I remember that my whole world shifts, and my mind starts to see things that weren’t there before. I start to create things in my mind that I once didn’t even give myself access to because I forgot who I was and I was blocking myself from the truth.

There isn’t anything wrong with things being hard. And I think that’s another lie that we tell ourselves frequently because we fool ourselves into thinking that life should be easy, things should be easy. If it’s not easy, then we’ve gone astray. And we deserve for it to be easy.

And a great analogy that I like to think about is it’s like a gymnast. We just recently had the Summer Olympics; I think a lot of us probably watched the Olympics. And it was astounding to see these athletes competing. And I’m not going to look at an athlete like Simone Biles and say, “Oh, she just probably did that routine perfectly the first time.”

None of us would think that, right? That would be delusional to think that she just nailed that routine the first time. She knew how to do her triple back flip whatever, whatever she does the first time. No, none of us expect her to do that.

So why can’t we give ourselves that same grace? Not even necessarily grace, I think it’s grace too and forgiveness for our imperfections. But I also think just being a logical human, we look at that and we don’t think that she would be this perfect gymnast with this perfect routine the first time she tries it. Of course she can’t do it the first time, no one expects her to.

But then we turn around and look in the mirror and we expect ourselves to get things right the first time and feel great about it 100% of the time and it’s just not logical. Why do we do that to ourselves? It doesn’t make sense. We let it eat into our self-confidence. It’s hard and we’re going to keep going.

Yes, what we’re trying to accomplish will push us, will challenge us, and we’re not going to stop. And that’s where the progression and growth lies, is when we acknowledge and accept that we are imperfect human beings. That we’re meant to be imperfect and we’re meant to fail and continue on and prove how strong we are to ourselves. Because we are willing to feel those really hard emotions, and keep going.

And another thing that I like to think about too, frequently when I kind of feel stuck in my own head and when I’m making it about me is that genuinely there are people that are waiting for you, that need you to literally just get over yourself so that you can help them and use your gifts and talents that you have to create. Truly, it sounds funny, but it’s true. You need to get over yourself.

And I say this to myself too, where when I’m making things mean so many things about me, in reality I think most of the things that we’re trying to accomplish in our lives just really aren’t about us. Now, a really, really great side effect of growth and pushing ourselves to the limit is that growth. Is that increase in experience so we do have higher capabilities to then continue on in progressing in our lives. But it’s just not about us.

The things that you need to accomplish in your life are more than just about you. And that really helps me when I’m doing things like speaking in front of a group, or I’m in front of people and I just kind of get nervous and anxiety.

And I just remind myself over and over and over again, “Jenica, it’s not about you. If you don’t get up there and you don’t tell people what you’ve learned that has impacted your life so greatly, you will literally be robbing these people have something that could genuinely help them in their lives.” And that helps me to be brave and move forward.

Do I still feel anxiety? Absolutely. Am I still scared? Absolutely. Do I do it anyway? Yes. Now, knowing this to be true and actually applying it in your life are two completely different things, right? I can teach you how to do a painting and tell you all about it, but you actually creating a painting for yourself is a whole different thing.

Now, I’m not a painter, as is evidenced earlier in this podcast. I don’t do that, people. But I am a really incredible life coach who has tools to help you completely transform your life and see where you’re holding yourself back. I will help you understand your brain better. I will help you live a life that you love right now, despite your imperfections. And I will help you accept and love yourself.

I hope you will join me in Fearless Infertility Coaching. I’ll see you back here next week on Fearless Infertility podcast. Make sure to subscribe so you’re first to listen to new episodes. Bye friends.

I truly believe setting yourself up for success and managing your mental and emotional health can be so much easier when we set ourselves up with great routines. So I am so excited to share with you my free Morning Mindset Magic Checklist that I have perfected over the last several years.

Throughout my own battle with infertility these seven simple morning habits have helped me regain control over my thoughts. They give me power over my feelings and emotions. They clear out shame, guilt, and anxiety from my mind and prepare me to win each day, no matter how tough things get.

You will learn how to make sure you start your day on your own terms without any hint of negative comparison or shame. Where you should go first after getting out of bed to clear your mind and prepare for the day. My magic trick for accessing the uplift I need to make my day great on my own terms. How to get the direction and support you need to get through even the toughest days when everything seems to go wrong.

The do it first happy chore you should always finish as soon as possible to give yourself momentum. It literally takes about 20 seconds but nothing gets me ready to conquer the next thing and the next thing like getting this done first. How to keep your momentum going once you complete tip number five. It sounds super simple, but trust me, once you add this to your routine, you’re telling your mind that you’re in control.

And why checking in with your gut each morning sets you up for success. You can easily get messed up if you’re not careful with this one. Make sure you listen closely to your body as you follow tip number seven. Head to thesliceofsun.com and click on Morning Mindset Magic to get the free checklist.

Thank you for listening to Fearless Infertility. If you want more tools and resources to help you during your infertility experience visit thesliceofsun.com. See you next week.