40. 5 Things You Become by Trudging Through Those Insanely Hard Parts of Life

Hi, friends. Welcome to Fearless Infertility a podcast for women struggling with the mental anguish that comes with infertility. My name is Jenica and after suffering in silence for too long I was able to pull myself out of the dark, take control over my mind, and create joy during my infertility experience. I’m here to help you do the same, sister. Let’s dive into today’s show.

Hello my beautiful people. I am so excited that you are here this week and cannot wait for you to listen to this week’s podcast episode on five things you become by trudging through those insanely hard parts of life. Let’s get to it.

Hello, my friends. I’m so grateful to have you with me here on the podcast today. Tyler and I just got back from Hawaii yesterday and it was the most beautiful trip. It was filled with sunsets and that amazing ocean sound that I don’t know why but is so incredibly soothing. And really good food and lots of sleep.

And it was so magical. And then we took a red eye home and just erased all of that. We were laughing on the way home we’re like, “Is it even worth going if you have to take a red eye home from somewhere?”

He is in insurance and he earned the trip, so it was all expenses paid. It was honestly amazing, I’m so incredibly grateful for it. And I’m like, “Really, a red eye home?” So you’re all relaxed, you get like nine hours of sleep every night if your name is Jenica, and it’s all amazing. And then you just feel wrecked because you get home and you’re like I got three hours of sleep last night in an airplane.

So here we are. I did get a good solid amount of sleep last night, my kids stayed home from school today. They have colds and coughs and so we just hung out at the house all day we started Christmas decorating. Because Harris especially just loves decorating for the holidays, which I think is so cute.

So we did that a little bit and I’m just recording this a little bit late at night tonight. But I’m so grateful to be here with you. And on the trip to Hawaii I had a really great podcast episode idea that I think will really help you to see your trials a little bit differently and your hardships and the inevitable really hard things that will happen to you and around you in your life. And I cannot wait to get into those five things that I think we benefit from by experiencing trials.

First, before I do that and get into that I wanted to share with you a podcast review. And if you’re new around here, the reason why I love and really encourage you to leave podcast reviews is because there are many women who are experiencing infertility who are alone and they don’t have this support system. And honestly don’t know that there are resources available to them. And by rating and reviewing it makes the podcast more visible to these women.

So I choose a winner every single week to send a pair of my pj’s and socks to, and the winner this week is username SM#12010. She says, “Definitely recommend. If you are struggling with infertility, this is the podcast for you. I was in a dark, dark place. All of my close friends are getting pregnant and it’s working the same month with hardly trying. And then there’s me left out who’s been trying for years. Life doesn’t seem fair, but this pulled me out of the funk I was in.”

Please email me at [email protected] with your size and address and we’ll get those sent out to you. And for anyone else, make sure to rate and review on Apple podcasts and I’ll choose a new winner every single Monday so make sure to listen back.

And know that you’re doing a really incredible job in bringing these women into this community who have no idea that we exist. And it’s such an incredible, beautiful place to be when you discover that you’re not alone, and you don’t have to carry it alone.

This week’s podcast topic is something that I used to literally not even want to think about because, this is like real life you guys, when I was younger–  Okay, so I am a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And once a month we have testimony meeting. And people will get up and they’ll share their testimony of Jesus Christ. They’ll share their testimony of how he has helped them in their lives and it’s really beautiful.

And I used to hear people say I’m really grateful for this trial, fill in the blank whatever that trial was. And I literally used to think they were absolutely crazy. I’m like, “First of all, if you admit that you like trials, God can hear you. He will hear you and He will give you more trials.”

100% I used to think I could trick God into not giving me more trials if I just said I wasn’t grateful for them. So I would kind of like not acknowledge them and be like, “I don’t like them. So if I don’t like them, then he’s not going to give me them.”

It’s so ridiculous looking back on it because it’s like, obviously, God, He knows what I’m thinking. He created me and he knows what’s going on. So anyway, these people used to say this in testimony meeting and be like, “They’re a little crazy, I don’t know if we can be friends, because who would possibly be grateful for trials?”

And as I’ve gotten older and a little bit wiser, I’m not completely wise yet, but a little bit wiser than I was back in the day, I have really seen what they have meant because there are so many things that are gained through these really hard experiences that we go through in life. And whether you admit that or not, you’re still going to get trials in your life because that’s what being a human being is.

That’s, in my opinion, what we sign up for in coming down to this earth. And it’s a really incredible way to refine our character and give us the tools that we need to then move on and move forward and expand our souls.

So I was on a helicopter ride in Hawaii, which by the way, I didn’t want to sign up for originally. Tyler said that he was signing us up for that and I was like, “No, I don’t think that that’s a good idea.” I’ve actually known and heard of so many people, that their planes have gone down. And I’m like, “I just don’t want to risk it. That seems actually terrifying, so I’m out.”

And then he used this reverse sales technique on me where he was like, “You know what, I actually think that it’s getting booked. And it’s full now. So even if you want to go you can’t.” And I was like, “Wait a minute, wait just a gosh darn minute. Just hold please.”

And anyway, long story short, I polled some people that I trust in my life and they were like, “Yeah, you should do that. If you’re in Hawaii, you should for sure go on a helicopter ride.” So we signed up and we did it.

And if you look on Instagram, my Instagram handle is @Jenicaparcell, if you’re not following yet, head over there. I share lots of my personal life and lots of great tips to help you through infertility over there. And I’d love to be your friend over there. If you haven’t seen it yet, go to my video that I posted that I took on our helicopter ride. It is so unbelievably beautiful, it literally doesn’t look real.

And I have never in my entire life cried from seeing something so beautiful. I’ve cried because I’ve felt really beautiful moments, I’ve been touched, from immense joy, to sadness. I mean, I’ve cried before, there’s plenty of times that I’ve cried, but I’ve never in my life cried because something was so beautiful.

And honestly, you guys, thinking about it right now literally gets me emotional because it was so unbelievably beautiful. It was just like, it was almost like a spiritual experience. Like how could something this beautiful be created? And it was such a connecting experience, I think for me, with my Creator. And I started crying.

And I really thought about why I was crying. And I think it’s because I have seen those really low days. Those days where your heart is aching, and broken, and where you honestly and truly, really don’t know how it will possibly get better.

And because of those days, the days where I am filled with just wonder and awe at the beauty before my eyes seem completely magical because of the contrast. And truly, if I didn’t know those hard moments, I wouldn’t know the beauty. Truly, not really.

I mean, I’d see it still, it would still be the same scene in front of me, but I wouldn’t really know that beauty because I wouldn’t have known the complete opposite, which is pain. And that day would have seemed completely normal without the lowest days as well.

And I truly don’t believe that if we didn’t go through really hard moments in life, that we would even notice the magical bits of our lives. Because everything would just be normal, instead of ups and downs, it would just be this plain experience that everything felt normal, not too high, not too low. But we wouldn’t get to experience those intense moments of pure magic if we didn’t have those really hard moments.

And my soul was just filled with gratitude of simply being a human being and there– Oh man, I’m getting kind of emotional even thinking about it because there have been moments, and I know that you’ve experienced these moments too, where I’ve had the exact opposite. Where I’m like, “I don’t want to be a human being. This is really, really hard. And I just don’t think I want to do this much longer.”

I mean, if you’re religious like me, or have the experience like me where I believe that we chose to come to this earth and we chose to come and be tested and tried. I’ve literally questioned myself in the past before, being like, “Really? Did you really know what you were actually saying yes to? Because this is really hard.”

And so to have that contrast of being in just full gratitude, of just saying thank you God for letting me be alive today. Oh, it was just such an incredible moment for me and I just started crying. And I was a little embarrassed by it, because I’m like, “Has anyone else cried?”

And it’s so funny too, because I mentioned it after to a few people that had gone on different helicopter rides and they were like, “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you mentioned that too.” They were like, “I cried too. And I sobbed through the whole thing.” And I was like, Oh wow, I just kind of thought it was something that was a little bit just me, my own thing.

And apparently a lot of people feel that way too because they’ve experienced hard things too. And even though we wouldn’t wish those awful hard days on ourselves or anyone else, as I’ve gotten older, I can see the gift in them. Because it’s those awful days that make the amazing days that much more incredible.

So that’s the experience that gave me the topic idea today to talk about five things on what we can gain through going through these really hard things.

And a question that I want to ask you, food for thought, is who is inspired by people who have made it to the top without trials? This person didn’t have any hard times and they just made it to the top and go them. No, that’s never anyone’s goal, motivational human. We’re not looking at people who have achieved really incredible things in their lives and saying, “Oh, they just had it all handed to them, I’m so inspired.” No.

And if you’re going to look into people’s lives, you’re going to see that these people that appear to have easy lives, never did. No one has an easy life. I think that’s a very common lie that our adversary tells us, and that we have believed before, right? I mean, especially in the age of social media where you can get online and compare everyone’s highlight reel to your actual real life that isn’t always fabulous. And it can get confusing.

And so I think that’s something that we can remind ourselves, is that have we ever really been inspired by people who have made it to the top without trials? No, because all the people who have made it to their “top” whatever that may be to them, as defined by them, have had to overcome some big obstacles.

And I’m not sure if you guys have thought of this in the past, but after experiencing really hard trials or being in the middle of them, I remember thinking a few times, “Man, I kind of am jealous of that old Jenica, the one that didn’t know this was coming. The one that didn’t experience it yet. The one that was more naive. And I’m kind of jealous of her. I think life was a little bit easier being her.”

But I thought about that and I’m like, “Well, she didn’t also get to experience this major contrast of joy.” Because my joy would also be small too. If my trials were small, my joy would be small. And the magical days would just be normal. And so why would we want to be the old us who didn’t know the trials, because we also wouldn’t know that big joy. And life isn’t about ease, it’s about growth.

So the you now is better because of what you have gone through. And you’re also able to experience more joy because of the contrast. I can think of many times even just being sick, where apparently, I cry a lot as I get older. But I can remember just a couple months ago, I was so sick for like three days and just in bed and just wanting to move and wanting to get out and ride my bike.

And I remember crying again on my next bike ride, being so grateful in gratitude that my body could function, that my legs could move, that my lungs could breathe in that air. And I was so grateful for that moment because of the contrast. Because I had had that taken away from me for a few days. And my empathy had also grown as well for others who couldn’t do the things that I do with my body that I do every day because of my good health.

So I want to talk about five things that you gain by going through something really hard. And I first want to start out and say that I will never feel sorry for you. Because I don’t think that you need that. And I will never ask you to do something I am unwilling to do myself. What I’m here for is to help you see your strength.

So the first thing that you gain by going through something really hard is that you become a really interesting person. I have never met an interesting person that had an easy life. Your trials give you the character that you were always meant to have.

They shape you into this dynamic human being that can be bigger, and handle more, and give more to this world that so desperately needs you. And so as you’re experiencing these trials, you simultaneously become really interesting. And you also become more and more capable as you walk through the fire of your trials.

The second thing that you gain through going through something really hard is that you gain self-confidence in doing hard things and feeling the hard things and knowing that you can. And that you’re capable of moving forward even though those feelings feel absolutely horrible. And when things get tough, I invite you to trust your power.

The more you allow yourself to see what you’re capable of the more unstoppable you become. Because essentially, unless you’re experiencing something really traumatically hard physically, most of the things that we’re talking about here on this podcast in infertility are mental.

I think that obviously if you’re doing things like IUIs, and shots for IVF, and surgeries, those are not comfortable. Obviously, none of us love that. But I think most of the challenges that we experience in this life and in this trial specifically with infertility are mental. And have you ever looked back on something you’ve experienced and said, “I did that. “I did that, I made it through. And I didn’t know that I could, but I did.”

And so you show yourself how capable you are, which gives you that self-confidence that truly makes you unstoppable because you know you can handle the next hard thing. You know that it might feel awful, and you won’t like it, and you wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, but you know that you are capable. So you gain this self-confidence that you wouldn’t otherwise be able to get.

The third thing that you get when you go through something really hard is that you learn how to treat royalty. And what do I mean by that? What I mean by that is that you are royalty. You learn how to treat yourself. Let me give you an example here.

So I’m sure this has happened to all of us. Have you ever learned someone’s story, and then those walls and judgments came down in the way that you saw them? I know that I have been unfairly judgmental in my life of certain people. And as soon as I hear their story and what they’ve been through, all of those judgments come down.

And I see them, I see them for the brave person that they are and I know how to treat them. And the way that I treated them before– Now I mean I don’t say a whole lot of mean things but sometimes I think mean things about people, because I’m a human. I’m just trying my best to have more empathy as I continue to get older and learn more. And those judgments come down and I see them for truly who they are, which is this really brave person who’s trying their best.

And when we see it that way, we see them for who they are. And we also can turn that inward and see ourselves for who we are, which is someone who is trying their best going through a really, really hard thing. And we’re able to treat people differently, our walls come down, and our judgments stop because you respect their journey. And it’s because you see their power and how they have fought through.

Through the hard times, we learn how to treat ourselves. We learn what we need to continue to move forward. And what I want you to do is really watch how you talk to yourself in those quiet moments.

And ask yourself, are you respecting the queen that is doing her very, very best? That is fighting so hard to get what she wants, even though it’s hard, pushing forward, even though it hurts? How are you talking to yourself? Are you treating yourself like the royalty that you truly are?

Number four is that we gain empathy and lose judgments of others. And through hard trials we genuinely become more Christlike. Honestly, if I hadn’t been through really, really hard things in my life I think I would be walking around judging everyone, being like, “Well, what’s wrong with you?” Do you know what I mean? Like, “Why are you sad? Why are you struggling? Why can’t you just show up and be your best self all of the time?”

I think that when we go through really hard things, we gain the empathy because we know that other people like us are going through really hard things. And we’ve all been that person who says everything’s fine and it’s not fine.

And I’m not saying that you should always hide it or you should always divulge everything you’re going through, there are certain situations where someone’s going to ask me how are you doing, like if I’m checking out at the grocery store and someone’s like, “How are you doing?” I’m going to say good, even though I’m really struggling.

So we can see people all around us, our friends, our family members, the people at the store, behind us at the grocery line, people who are showing up looking like everything’s fine, and it’s not. And when we go through hard times, we see ourselves do that. And so we can then assume that people are really, really struggling and we have empathy for them, even if they seem fine on the outside.

Because of the really hard things I’ve gone through, I know for a fact that the people around me are genuinely trying their best. They’re doing an incredible job and they’re showing up and genuinely doing the best they can. Is it the best they’ve ever been? Maybe not, but they’re showing up as their best self in this moment. And I have a lot of respect and empathy for that.

The fifth thing that I think we gain by going through really hard things, is that going through trials allows us to dig deep and establish a purpose that matters more than the discomfort. It expands our hearts and allows us to care so deeply about something that we’re then able to see how capable and strong we are because of that purpose. And it’s honestly a really, really beautiful thing.

For most of us here, we put ourselves through hell to grow our families because our purpose matters more than the intense discomfort that we experience quite often. And that love is a really deep, beautiful love. Our love deepens and grows through that sacrifice and we have so much respect for ourselves and what we’ve been through.

And for myself, looking back on what I’ve been through, honestly I can look in the mirror now and I bow down to the lady in the mirror, she s a bad A. I look at her and I think to myself, “You are a woman who is still standing, you did three IUIs. You did three rounds of IVF. You got ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. You got pre-eclampsia in your pregnancy, you gained 80 pounds, you delivered at 32 weeks.

Your body was so traumatized through all of that, that you got Epstein-Barr Virus because your immune system couldn’t fight it off anymore. You raised baby twins. You discovered you have Epstein-Barr Virus because you were so exhausted all the time that you fought your way back to your health.”

And so the lady that I see now, when I look in the mirror is truly an incredible, incredible human being because I know how capable she is and I know how hard she has fought to be the healthy human being that she is today. And I have a lot of respect for that woman that I see in the mirror. And I hope that you do too.

I have really had to establish my purpose in my life, which has been a gift. I’ve worked hard to find out who I’m supposed to be, and I’m continuing to learn and grow, and I will until the day that I die. And that in itself is a gift. Because I wouldn’t have had to dig deep and try hard to figure out my purpose had life always been easy. And so that’s a true gift that I’ve been given through these trials that I have had.

So those are my five things that you gain through going through something really hard. And if this is hard for you to wrap your mind around and your brain wants to say no, I completely get it. You might be that person that I was, thinking like, “Okay, girl. Whatever, I’m not going to admit that these things do have some silver linings because I don’t want God to realize that I’m okay with trials.”

It doesn’t work that way. But honestly, I completely get it because our brains are trying to protect us and this might feel a little bit uncomfortable to hear these things. I want to help you see that it can be possible for you. And also, if you’re like, “Yes, this is totally resonating with me and I want to be able to apply these mindsets into my daily life,” then I want to help you with that too.

So if you are wanting to take what you learn here on the podcast and genuinely apply it to the 10X level, I would love to work with you in my Fearless Infertility program. The doors are open right now if you’re listening to this on the day that it launches. They close at midnight on November 30th.

And we have a really beautiful bonus this month where when you sign up you get a pair of PJ’s valued at $68. I’ll send those out to you and we can just be matchers. I’m so excited about that. They’re my bamboo PJs, so high quality, so comfortable. I’m just in love with them.

Next month, starting December 1st, the workshop will be being best friends with yourself for a happier life. And I cannot wait to continue to work on that with you. And kind of how I like to describe the program is it’s like a gym membership for your brain.

And I don’t think a lot of us really grew up thinking that that was necessary, that our mental health was necessary. And honestly, I’m 34, I kind of feel like in my generation it was always embarrassing, right? Like people who go to therapy or people who have life coaches, which I think is a newer term in the last really decade I feel like that, that’s kind of embarrassing, right? You’re not strong enough.

And that is the complete opposite of what it is. The smartest, most successful people that I know, take their mental health seriously and take these tools that I teach on this podcast and we’re able to actually apply it in your life. And so it’s basically the difference between watching someone workout and actually doing the workout yourself. It’s a gym membership for your mind.

And I know that memberships can kind of feel a little bit uncomfortable for some people. And so what I want to say is I would recommend signing up and giving yourself at least a six month window. I would think that if you truly apply yourself, you go through the course that’s in the membership to teach you the model that I teach to help you solve any problem and come to the workshops every month.

And I really make it easy for you, I understand that your time is incredibly valuable so I make applying it very easy. But I would say give yourself six months, sign up with me. And after that I would say it’s incredible maintenance, but I think you’ll learn the tools that you will need within that time frame. And if you really commit to yourself and join this community it is going to be so good.

So come over to fearlessinfertility.com and I can’t wait to get get to know you better. And I hope that this list was helpful for you today. And I hope more than anything that you go to the mirror, next time you’re in the mirror, whether that be when you’re getting ready for bed tonight, whether that be you’re getting ready for the day today.

And I want you to look at yourself and I want you to really, really respect that person staring back at you because there are so many incredible things that you have overcome that I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for. I love you, I will see you soon. Bye, guys.

I know how tough it is to struggle through infertility. If you’re ready to get ahead of the pain and frustration, the best way is to create an ironclad mindset. That’s where it all starts. I have the best free download for you, you’re going to love it. It’s my morning mindset magic checklist. You’ll get the seven tips I use to create my mindset each morning so I can create a life I love despite my challenges.

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Thank you for listening to Fearless Infertility. If you want the best infertility support and community on the planet visit fearlessinfertility.com. See you there.