49. Toxic and Common Thoughts I Hear Women Believing in Infertility

[00:00:00] Hi friends. Welcome to Fearless Infertility, a podcast for women, struggling with a mental anguish that comes with infertility. My name is Jenica and after suffering in silence for too long, I was able to pull myself out of the dark, take control over my mind and create joy during my infertility experience. I’m here to help you do the same, sister. Let’s dive into today’s show.

[00:00:26] Hey friends. Welcome back to Fearless Infertility , Episode 49, Toxic and Common Thoughts I Hear Women in Infertility Believing. I am talking about those thoughts today, how they’re so common. I’m sure you’ve heard of many of them, and you’re probably believing some of them yourself, why they’re so toxic and arguments to help you believe that they’re not true, so you can move forward in truth, and also in helping you get the results that you want. Let’s get to it.

[00:00:55] What’s up. Y’all, I’m so excited that you are here with me today. And once again, I always like to remind you that you are here. You did it! I’m so proud of you for getting through the mind crap that you sometimes have to do in order to put yourself first. I think that there is so much junk that we fill our heads with that doesn’t allow us to progress and do the things in our lives that will actually benefit us, like listening to podcasts like this. So you’re here and I just want you to look at yourself in the mirror and just give yourself a little wink, just a little tiny wink and, um, and, and tell yourself that you’re giving my friend a wink that’s you. So I want you to give my friend a wink and, um, just really be proud of yourself that you made it here with me today.

[00:01:38] I’m so excited to have you with me on another episode of Fearless Infertility. I just got done eating lunch as we speak, and I just had a nice big fat cookie, and it’s not really something that I normally do during lunch, but I honestly feel really good about my decision.

[00:01:53] Tyler and I, well, okay, let’s be honest. I make cookies on Sunday sometimes and I’ll freeze them. And then it’s a blessing and a curse because I have a nice fresh cookie in the freezer. You can just pop it in the microwave for a few seconds and mmm mmm good. So I just treated myself and, um, I might regret it later when I feel like I want to take a nap, but that’s where I’m at today.

[00:02:13] Also, if you have been following me on Instagram, I’m giving you all of the updates on my infertility journey that I’m currently on right now. And we’re doing a frozen embryo transfer. And it is, I’m honestly very proud of myself for getting myself to this point where we are moving forward. And I it’s fun for me to share, kind of in real time, my thoughts with you that have helped me get to this point and my thoughts that are helping me to progress without anxiety moving forward, because I don’t think that anxiety and heartache is always necessary. I think if we feel that we want to process through emotions, we can. But I also think that we have been given the information that infertility is hard and it’s not good and it’s not fun. And my default is to just automatically go to anxiety. That’s where I’ve lived for so much of my life. And that feels comfortable to me. And although it’s not pleasant, it’s also what I know. Right? And so I’m trying it differently this time around.

[00:03:20] So it’s been really fun for me as I get certain news, like for example, we need to go back in and check the uterine lining because it’s too thick still and I also need to adjust my thyroid medication. And to watch my brain and see kind of what my gut initial reaction is and then to step away from that and be more curious about what’s going on, and consciously choose thoughts that are serving me better. Our brains really help us out by helping to avoid danger and so it’s been really fun for me to observe those thoughts. Like, I get this news back and I think to myself oh no, this whole cycle is going to be hard. I’m going to continue to receive information that I don’t want to receive. And instead of going to that panic, that feels honestly very natural to me, I am stepping back and saying, okay, well, let’s look, let’s look at the actual facts here. And what actually happened was, alright, well I have the next solution. I have the next step to move forward and that’s good news. That’s good news that we know a solution. We’re going to recheck my uterine lining on Friday and we’re going to adjust my thyroid medication, which I didn’t even know it was off, so that’s good news and move forward. And it’s been, it’s fun for me to share this with you. So I, hopefully I’m hoping that you get some thought ideas from my experience that you can apply to any problem you’re experiencing and help you to get the results that you want as well.

[00:04:54] Okay you guys I’m so excited right now. I have been working really hard and very thoughtfully these last couple of months with some really smart people. I have friends that have businesses that they’ve given me ideas for Fearless Infertility, and I’m so excited about it. It’s so much fun. We’re having such a good time in the program. It’s currently closed right now, but if you are interested in joining us when the doors open at the end of the month, we are always open the last week of the month. And it allows me to welcome you in with open arms and really give you the experience that you deserve. And honestly, I think that if you’re not signing up, I think you are really, really setting yourself back because genuinely I have been in the infertility space for years. And the tools that I teach in my program are tools that I wish that I had right from the start, because it helps you really understand your brain and how to take back the reins on an experience that can sometimes feel very, very out of control.

[00:05:55] There are many things in infertility that you wouldn’t choose for yourself, that things that are happening to you, so my model teaches you exactly how to feel in control of an experience that feels like it’s the, it’s a train that’s going off the rails. And some exciting announcement that I have for you is the price is only $39 a month, and I just made the decision that when you’ve been in the program for a year, you have lifetime membership. That means you get unlimited access to any new workshops that I have, that if I decide to do a VIP event, which I’m going to start planning, that you get access to that, and I’m going to start bringing in really incredible resources and speakers for you guys. And, and it’s just really awesome. So I’m so excited. It’s going to be, it’s just like, honestly, the coolest thing that I’ve ever been able to offer and the tools have changed my life so much that I’m like, well, duh, get as many people in here as we can, because there’s no reason to feel alone in infertility, and there’s also no reason to feel out of control in infertility and I’ll show you exactly how to move forward. I’ve got you.

[00:07:00] Jenica Parcell: The apple podcast review of the week winner for the PJs and socks is TARYNN1019. She says in her title, “The encouragement, you didn’t know you needed. First good luck on your upcoming baseline appointment to have your upcoming transfer.” Thank you. Appreciate that. “I am so thankful I found your podcast. Just knowing there are a bunch of us feeling these feelings and making it normal to feel this way is a blessing. Through the ups and downs, this podcast is a blessing and support system.” Amen Tarynn. Email me at [email protected] with your address and size, and I’ll get that sent out to you and for anybody else who wants to bring more people into our infertility space, who knows what it feels like to feel alone, and doesn’t like to feel that way, please go leave a review on apple podcasts and I’ll choose a new winner every single week. And the reason why it is so important for me to get podcast reviews is because it makes the podcast more visible, right? It ranks better so that when people are searching for infertility resources, they’re like, Hmm, what’s this? Oh, I actually don’t need to feel alone. Oh, actually the way I’m feeling IS normal. And that’s my goal here. So thank you for helping me with that. You guys are the absolute coolest, and I honestly just genuinely think that the infertility community is, is full of the most incredible women on the planet. And I’m not saying that to flatter you, although I hope you do feel very flattered. I’m saying that because it’s true. I think that this is something that is so difficult to go through. And so it takes a certain caliber of human being to be faced with this challenge. And I’m like bowing down to you because you are, I, I honestly feel like I’m in the presence of royalty. So thank you for being here and thanks for helping me to share the message through reviews. Takes just a minute, so just take a second and do it. I promise you it’s fast.

[00:08:43] Alright. Today’s podcast episode topic are toxic and common thoughts that I see from many of you in the infertility community. And I asked some of you on my Instagram stories the other day to share what some of the most painful and prevalent thoughts are for you in your infertility journey. And I read through all of them and there are so many that are so common, right? I saw repeated thoughts over and over again. And these are thoughts that I had too, when I was first experiencing infertility.

[00:09:19] And I want to break them down for you because I think that oftentimes we think that certain thoughts are protecting us from getting hurt, when in reality, we’re just hurting ourselves right now. The first thought is “maybe I’m just not meant to be a mom, and that’s why it’s been such a challenge.” Okay? At first glance, you’re like, alright, I can see where that’s coming from and then you break it down and you’re like, what?

[00:09:43] So let me apply this to another situation. “Maybe I’m not supposed to learn how to ski because it’s just too hard.” “Maybe I’m not supposed to finish college because it’s so hard, so I think that it’s maybe a sign that I’m just not supposed to finish college.” “Maybe I’m not supposed to run this half marathon that I committed to because it’s just, it’s just too hard. Maybe I’m just not supposed to finish it because it’s too hard.” “Maybe I am not supposed to actually have a job because having a job is actually really hard, so maybe that’s the sign that I just shouldn’t have one.” Okay, right?

[00:10:15] So I can totally relate to this, where, when you were in the thick of infertility, it can feel very overwhelming and like well, maybe this just isn’t my path. Like why is it not happening? Right? It can get very confusing and very difficult. And then when you break down the thoughts, they are actually literally honestly kind of comical a little bit, because just because something’s hard, means that it wasn’t supposed to be is insane to me. Right? That means that we shouldn’t do anything in our life. That means we should stay in our house, we should climb under our sheets, and we should just watch Netflix all day. And we just have an easy life and just, you know, don’t push ourselves too hard.

[00:10:57] So just because it’s hard to become a mom and you’re experiencing infertility and you’re not loving this place that you’re in right now, does not mean it’s because you weren’t meant to be a mom. I can literally, I could listen. I could go on for two hours to talk about all the things in this life and still miss a million things that are so incredibly challenging and that are still meant to be. Any, any little, um, or big accomplishment in the world has come typically through really hard trials. Any new mindset that you are going to achieve probably came through a lot of work. Any new device that was ever created probably came through a lot of trial, failure, disappointment, and then finally it was a success. Right? So to say that maybe I’m just not meant to be a mom, and that’s why it’s been such a challenge, because it’s hard, is absolutely untrue. And not only is it untrue, it’s causing you a lot of pain because what, I mean, what thought would that cause you? For me that would cause shame. That would cause me to pick myself apart because I feel crappy about myself and it’s just not going to lead you to a good place. So not only is it logically kind of ridiculous and by kind of, I mean, really ridiculous, it is just not true. There are a million, billion things in life that are hard. And for us to say that, because they’re hard, maybe they’re not meant to be, is ridiculous. So I want you to break it down, kind of see the humor in it like I am and be like, well, of course that’s not true. Of course I was meant to be a mom. Okay?

[00:12:40] Another thing I wanted to point out to you. I posted this on Instagram the other day, and it was like this, this brick that just dropped in my brain. And I told you guys this a ton of times, but I feel like I get a lot of inspiration when I’m exercising, when I’m at the studio, or in the summer, when I’m biking. It’s like all of a sudden I will get these ideas and I’m like, I have to share these ideas with my people. And I was exercising the other day, and then all of a sudden, this thought popped in my head, but of course having a baby is hard. Of course, growing your family is hard. You are literally, co-creating a life with God. A life. There is not anything more significant than that. There is not anything more challenging than that. A hu-, I mean, we’re talking about a human being. Think about just the parts of our bodies, right? That includes a brain, a heart lungs. I mean, the vastness of what you are trying to do is honestly beyond my human comprehension. And so of course it’s not going to be easy and even those who get pregnant easily, right? It’s still not easy for them. And I think that that’s something that I think will benefit you in moving forward.

[00:13:54] And I’m, I, I’ve always had this concept. I think I’m just kind of, I don’t know. I was never like a little girl that’s like, I just want to be a mom when I grow up. I knew that it would happen one day, and I feel like that’s been a little bit of a gift in a lot of ways, because I never thought that my life would all of a sudden be magical when I became a mom. I knew that both conceiving, carrying, delivering and taking care of and helping a human being thrive was not ever meant to be this easy task. And so I think that realizing that the magnitude of what you are trying to do will really help put into perspective the difficulties and challenges that it can present to you. My job here as a coach is to help remind you who you are. And I think when you are having these thoughts that you just forgot for a minute and my job is to help remind you who you are. And that’s okay. Right? That’s what I’m here for.

[00:14:49] Another thought that I have seen that is not beneficial, but that is common, is am I going against God’s will by seeking medical help? And I also, for me, I just have to laugh sometime because some of these thoughts are like so common right? But then also you think about, in compared to other situations, it’s like, okay, well, cool. I have a cavity in my tooth. I don’t, I don’t know if God wants me to get that cavity fixed. I think he might want my cavity to rot my tooth, and my tooth to fallout. No, of course when you have a cavity, you’re going to go to the dentist to have a dentist fix it, right? When someone gets cancer. I’ve I’ve literally, I don’t think maybe you guys have, I’ve never heard of anybody say, well, I have cancer, I’m just not going to do anything about it, right? Especially at the beginning, I think that if someone has cancer and they’re, they’re reaching towards the end and they know, because they’ve done a lot of things that it’s just not, their situation would improve, then at that point they can make a decision, but I’ve, I personally have never heard of anyone just finding out they have cancer, finding out it hasn’t spread yet, finding out there’s something they can do about it, and just say, I’m just not going to do anything about it. I’m just going to let it spread and I’m just gonna suffer and I’m not going to take any medication for it. It’s like what? No! No one ever does that. So the fact that I, I mean, I’ve heard this several times. You guys, am I going against God’s will by seeking medical help? Now, if religion things are involved, I know that there’s some religions who have issues with this. I don’t, I’m not going to tell you your religions wrong, right? You get to believe what you want. But for me, what feels true is that my God would want me to have what He has, which is children. And my God wants me to be happy.

[00:16:31] And so for me, I see this as just another medical situation, right? You and I know that it causes a lot of mental toll and that it’s very challenging, which is why you’re here, which is why you’re seeking help, because it does require work in order to move forward, because it’s such a mentally taxing experience. But also it’s a medical, but when it comes down to the simplicity of what it is, is you are trying to conceive, the normal way of trying to conceive isn’t working because of whatever reason, typically something in your body, and it’s a medical condition. Infertility is when you have not been able to conceive and have tried for a year. Okay? It’s a medical condition. And so of course you’re going to see a doctor when you have cancer. Of course you’re going to see a dentist when you have a cavity. God’s not going to be like you guys got, hopefully you can chew without that tooth that falls out. No. No. So you’re not going against God by seeking medical help, and I really think that he wants you to be happy and seeing it for the truth and what it is, can really help with that. Okay?

[00:17:40] Speaking of religious, uh, background. So I believe that we all chose to come to this earth. I believe in a God, that values agency above all else, and that reasoning would deduct that he wouldn’t allow us to make a decision without being fully aware of the repercussions of that decision.

[00:18:04] So we were offered a choice in heaven, Saten’s plan or God’s plan, and all of us here on this earth, every single human being listening to this podcast chose to come to earth. And as such, I see you for who you are. You are, I mean, you saw the challenges that were lying ahead. You knew that that’s what you were getting into and you chose it anyway. And I just respect that so much. I think it’s so incredible and that’s why I see people as daughters and sons of God who are genuinely trying their best. And as such, I also see myself as someone who was loved immensely by a father who adores me and he wants the very best for me. So from that lens, I’m able to deduct His character and I see Him saying, yes, I’ve provided all of these resources to you to get help, now you use your agency to seek it out. I can’t give you all of this help all of the time because I value agency, so you need to ask for it, you need to seek for it and you will find it.

[00:19:17] Another thought that is painful, for many of you who already have a child or two, is I must not deserve to have another child. And I’m thinking to myself, what are you talking about? Of course you deserve to have another child. And this comes back, it comes back to me knowing who you are, and you are a daughter of God, and you are deserving of all of the beauty and the joy that this life has to offer and Jesus Christ atoned for your sins, so when you do make mistakes and you don’t feel deserving of certain blessings, you can come to him and he’ll forgive you every a hundred times out of a hundred times. So of course you deserve to have another child and it doesn’t matter what you did. By being a human being and saying yes, to being on this earth, you deserve to have another child.

[00:20:11] Now, physically, if you’re able to have one or not, that’s a different, um, journey, because I think we all have our different journeys. Your children may come to you in different ways that you didn’t expect, and that’s okay. We can process through that, but it’s not because you don’t deserve to have a child.

[00:20:31] Another thought that’s really harmful is I may have done something to cause this, right? And to that, I want to say, and maybe you did do something to cause it. Maybe you took a medication that you didn’t realize will be harmful for fertility. And how I want you to view it is, and, so, this is how it was always supposed to be because it is. And that’s a thought that is super helpful to adopt because it just allows a lot of peace and acceptance in the moment, right? Say you did take a medication 10 years ago that you didn’t realize would have issues on your fertility, right? Can you go back 10 years ago and change it? No. So it’s like, yeah, I might’ve done something to cause it. Would I have done it on purpose? No! I didn’t know. I was doing the best that I knew how to then, and I’m doing the best that I know how to now. And if I am dealing with this in my life, currently, if this is my current circumstance where I’m trying to conceive and have another baby, or I’m trying to, um, decide that, you know, say you have two kids. For example, I have a few women in the program who have a couple of kids and they are just wanting to accept and move forward with the fact that they have done what they can and want to move forward in peace. I want you to know that where you’re at is exactly where you’re always supposed to be. And how do I know that? Because you are. Because this is the circumstance that you’re in right now, and that’s all you need to know.

[00:22:00] Another thought that I heard in your feedback was that some of you thought that God was withholding motherhood because you’re unqualified. And to that, I want to tell you a story from the Bible. I am studying the Bible this year, and luckily I have amazing resources to help me like podcast and my church, we have a, uh, app it’s called Come Follow Me, and it’s amazing because I feel like reading the old Testament it can be very challenging, and so through these resources, uh, it enables me to understand the stories better. And this happened during the fall of Adam and Eve, right? So Eve partook the fruit, Adam partook of the fruit. They realized they were naked. God shows up and they hid. And I was listening to a podcast the other day called Don’t Miss This, by my friends Emily Belle Freeman and David Butler, and one of them said, and it hit me so profoundly because they said, don’t you feel God, don’t you feel that a loving God would have showed up and been heartbroken that his children were running from him in fear, right?

[00:23:03] If say you don’t have children yet. Say you show up and your niece runs from you in fear, or for those of you who have children. I mean, how heartbreaking would that be, right? I do not want to show up and instill fear in my children. And so I want you to know that God does not withhold his blessings from you. I think that he sees a bigger picture than we see, and he is able to give us challenges that I believe we said yes to before we came down to this earth because he knows that that is the best path for us to become like Jesus Christ. For us to be able to get the characteristics and the empathy and the knowledge that we need to progress in the eternities, and to progress in this life to help his other sons and daughters.

[00:23:59] I hope some of these thoughts are helpful for you, and when you find yourself thinking thoughts that feel true, I want you to take a minute and just say, okay, well, what if this wasn’t true? And I want you to find evidence for those things. And if they are thoughts that are really causing you to feel absolutely terrible all of the time, I want you to start questioning those thoughts. I believe it is valuable work to question those thoughts. And I want you to realize that when you’re feeling that fear, that anxiety, it’s not necessary, right? I think that processing through negative emotions is very helpful and allowing yourself the self-care and the grace that you need. And I also want you to know that your thoughts are what are determining how you are feeling. And that is something that you were a hundred percent in control of.

[00:24:49] If you want more help with this, I would love to help you. I would love to be your coach. So make sure to sign up at fearlessinfertility.com forward slash waitlist.

[00:24:59] Alternatively, I would love to offer you a free Morning Mindset Magic checklist. These are the items that I do every morning to help me get in that best mental space in order to know I’m capable of taking back the control of my life. So that’s a really great first step. And then when my doors open, I would love to have you in and I will walk you through and you will feel confident that you will be able to take back control in your life and see where you’re getting stuck. I will teach you that and you’ll be able to apply it not only in infertility, but in every aspect of your life. So your relationships will improve. Your work-life balance will improve. Any problem that you have can be applied and fixed in this simple model. And I’m so excited to share it with you. So I’ll see you there and I’ll also see you next week. Bye friends.

[00:25:46] I know how tough it is to struggle through infertility. If you’re ready to get ahead of the pain and frustration, the best way is to create an ironclad mindset. That’s where it all starts. I have the best free download for you. You’re going to love it. It’s my free Morning Mindset Magic checklist. You’ll get the seven tips. I used to create my mindset each morning so I can create a life I love, despite my challenges. You will lower your anxiety and increase your peace. I spent a couple of years of trial and error, and finally it came upon this list of actions I take or never take every morning, even when I don’t want to, because they work every single time.

[00:26:25] Download for free at fearlessinfertility.com forward slash mindset magic.

[00:26:32] Thanks for listening to Fearless Infertility. If you want the best infertility support and community on the planet, visit fearlessinfertility.com. See you there.