All I’ve ever wanted in life was to be a mother. As a child, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was always “a mom.” I remember sitting in a rocking chair at 3 years old, “nursing” my baby doll to sleep. I always carried baby dolls with me throughout my childhood, and starting at age 11, I would offer to babysit for people within my neighborhood and church congregation FOR FREE. I wanted all the practice I could get, because I wanted to someday be the best mommy I could be. One of my biggest personality traits is the ability to nurture, and for as long as I can remember, my heart has ached to be a mom.
When my husband and I began our journey to grow our family, we were naive to the mountains that were ahead of us. We went to the doctor intending to make a game plan and be pregnant within a few months. I started planning our nursery, we began discussing names and I made a secret Pinterest board with all kinds of ideas for how we would announce it to our family and friends. We were so excited!
Six months later, we weren’t pregnant. 8 months later, still not pregnant. 10 months. 12 months. The months passed by slowly, and at the end of each month, still no baby. As time passed, our worries grew. We started to wonder if it would ever happen for us. Each month, each negative test, each failed attempt… it broke me. I began to wonder if I was a disappointment to my husband, if I was less of a woman because of this, if my dream of being a mother would ever come true.
The strange thing about infertility is that life goes on and the world keeps turning, but you feel trapped inside this bubble. It’s like you’ve had blinders put on, and becoming pregnant is all you can think about anymore. You start to notice every announcement on social media, every diaper ad, every pregnant woman at the grocery store or at church. It consumes you. And if you let it make you miserable, it will.
Around month 7, we decided to talk to my doctor, who ordered an ultrasound, some blood work, and an HSG. I hadn’t been having regular cycles, which made tracking ovulation almost impossible. My sweet doctor looked at my results and informed us that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. He explained what that was, and told us that my body wasn’t ovulating regularly, if at all. He suggested we try a round of Clomid and we were all very hopeful that it would do the trick.
So, he started me on medication to induce a period, gave me instructions on when to take the Clomid, and set up a follow-up appointment.
We tried this method for longer than we probably should have, with no success. And boy, did my mental health take a toll!!!
Eventually we moved on to IUI’s. I was so hopeful and thought for sure this would do the trick! The first failed one was the hardest! 4 failed IUI’s and almost another year later, we were so discouraged! With IVF looming ahead of us, the financial, physical and emotional burden that we knew would come with it seemed insurmountable!
We decided to take a little time “off” (is it really possible to “take time off” from trying when it’s still all you can think about??) and try some last ditch efforts- a “magic fertility diet,” and a “fool-proof fertility juice cleanse.” During this time, we also decided to apply for a grant through Bundled Blessings Fertility Foundation. We were SO blessed to be able to win a grant through them which helped SO much with the financial burden we knew was ahead of us.
In November 2017, a little over 3 years into our fertility journey, we began the IVF process. It was harder in ways I didn’t expect, and easier in ways I didn’t expect either. God was with us along every step of the way and we saw immense miracles and blessings through it all.
Right before Christmas 2017, we found out we’d had a successful embryo transfer and were expecting a perfect miracle. It was a very tough pregnancy physically… I threw up 15-20 times a day, every day, from weeks 5-28. Each time I was on the bathroom floor, sick as could be, I couldn’t help but say a prayer of gratitude to God that I had the opportunity to be sick in order to finally become a mother.
Then at 31 weeks gestation, 9 weeks premature, in June of 2018, our beautiful, perfect, 3 pound baby girl was born, making every ounce of pain through the 3 1/2 years 1,000% worth it. Every failed treatment, every night I fell asleep crying into my pillow, every penny spent, every shot, pill, surgery… worth it. And I’d do it a million times over for my sweet girl!
When our daughter turned 2 in June of 2020, we decided it was time to transfer another embryo. We had tried to get pregnant on our own for those two years, but to no avail and we didn’t want to wait too long between children. In July, we did a frozen embryo transfer and ended up pregnant! But in August, at 7 weeks along, we experienced a miscarriage. It was EXCRUCIATING. We always knew that was a possibility, but nothing could have prepared us for the utter heartbreak that would come from that reality.
After our miscarriage, we planned on waiting awhile before trying another FET, in order to take time to recover physically, emotionally and financially. However, we believe in Heavenly promptings, and just one month later, we felt the strongest impression from Heaven that we needed to do it again, immediately. So we listened, and we started the process right away! It took about 6 weeks to prep my hormones and uterus via all the right meds… and at the beginning of November, we finally transferred another beautiful little embryo into my body.
As of now, we are 19 weeks pregnant with a sweet baby boy! We are so thankful and humbled to be able to have this outcome, because I know there are so many who are STILL struggling. My heart hurts for all those who are still waiting, hoping and praying. I truly know the pain and my heart and prayers are with you. We know we are so lucky to have one and a half sweet babies in our family and we do not take a single moment with them for granted.
If you ever have any questions about specifics on treatments or our journey, need someone to talk to, or just need some prayers of encouragement, please feel free to reach out to me anytime. I truly feel that a significant reason we’ve had to go through these specific trials is so that I can help others who are going through similar things. I want to be an advocate and a cheerleader for whoever may need it. My Instagram handle is @kayanaharman and you can message me anytime!
Instagram: @kayanaharman
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