How long were/have you been you trying to grow your family?
We’ve been trying for about two years. We knew given family history that it was likely that we may have issues so we went to a fertility specialist around 10 months as well as a geneticist.
Where are you currently at in the process?
We are preparing to transfer one of our embryos from our second round of IVF!
What was/is your biggest struggle or struggles with trying to grow your family?
I don’t think there is one singular struggle; it’s the combination of all of the things that make this process an emotional rollercoaster. One of the hardest aspects has been the financial burden. Our insurance doesn’t cover anything and when our first round of IVF failed it was devastating, but also so tough to feel like we wasted so much money we both work so hard to earn. We had been smart about saving and were able to make it happen, but we had goals that will now be delayed. In some ways it feels selfish to admit that, but knowing that most people don’t have to spend $60-80,000 just to have a chance at one kid is really hard for me. I also hate that I am sad when I find out my friends are pregnant. I was never that way before and never struggled with comparison as my friends reached milestones before me, and I hate that the hormones have been hard on me that way. I’ve allowed myself to feel sad and disappointed and try to move on quickly when it hits me. My husband and I are both the youngest of large families and have lots of nieces and nephews. While they’ve given us a lot of comfort it has been hard to feel “behind” in life and frankly even just to be around kids at times. The toll it’s taken on my body is really hard too. I often don’t feel like myself because of the treatments and the side effects. I’ve gained a lot of weight and IVF isn’t for the faint of heart!
What does it feel like to want to grow your family?
At times it feels suffocating. It’s tough when you want something so bad that feels like a pretty normal thing that lots of people have come easily to them. I am also a planner and hate that a lot of my personal and professional goals have been derailed because of this trial. At the same time, it reaffirmed how badly I want to be a mom. I have always wanted kids and can’t wait for that day to finally come. Fertility issues have a way of forcing you to define what is most important in life. I didn’t think I needed that reminder but I am constantly focusing on the fact that family is the best part of our life and that’s what I want. I have proven I will make drastic sacrifices to make that happen and I’m really proud of that. How did you find out your family was finally going to grow like you had hoped or are you still trying? We are still trying. I think it’s really important to share about fertility issues in the process, because a lot of people don’t share until they finally get their rainbow baby. We don’t know when that will happen but we’re hopeful that this second round of IVF works! There is SO much waiting involved with IVF and that is something that most people don’t understand.
Were you able to find hope and a silver lining during your struggle?
Yes, in many ways. I was working for a company that didn’t support me during my first IVF cycle. I didn’t even feel I could really tell them what was going on and it was pretty eye opening to understand how little they cared about their employees. Being the only woman in my company in a leadership position was wearing on me. I couldn’t find any resources on how to talk to your manager about this issue. I know that many people see fertility treatments as elective instead of as a treatment for a disease, and I hope to see that change. I am so relieved I left that job to focus on my side hustle and starting our family, for now. When you go through something this tough it impacts every aspect of your life. I wish I’d understood at the beginning that it was ok to take care of myself, work less and give myself grace during this time, but it’s nice to feel comfortable with that decision now. I tried to keep it all together, keep working at the same level and didn’t ask for enough help. If I could go back in time I’d cut myself some slack and remind myself I’m not superwoman.
What did you learn through the process of trying to grow your family?
A lot of patience and a lot of personal growth. I have been reminded that my ultimate worth comes from being a daughter of God, and nothing else. My title at work, my salary, my contributions to the world and even being a mom are not what will make me worthy. I am worthy because I am a daughter of God. It’s also brought my husband and I even closer. We had a great marriage before, but now I feel like we can conquer anything. My husband has been incredible at trying to understand how this issue affects me and he has supported me through a few really hard years.
How have you changed as a person by going through this trial?
I am much more understanding of people in general but also don’t waste any time with people who don’t support me. I know we often don’t know what’s going on in someone’s life and I know that everyone goes through hard things. I have learned how to educate about what we’re going through in a way that is comfortable for us. You find out who your friends are when you go through something this life altering, and while it’s been disappointing that not everyone in my life supported me at first, I now have a tribe of friends, family, business partners and clients who know what’s going on in my life and are loving me through it.
What encouragement and light can you share with others going through this?
Open up, be vulnerable and share. That doesn’t mean you have to post about your fertility issues on Facebook, but you need people around you to know what’s going on. For example, I wish I’d opened up sooner to my boss and I would’ve saved myself some heartache. I could’ve quickly understood that I needed to move on and not waste any more of my time. You will know quickly who is able to support you as you open up. To friends and family who are supporting loved ones during this trial, please don’t let your discomfort keep you from checking in on someone. If someone has opened up to you about this issue that means they need and want your love and support. There is no perfect thing to say so get ready for people to tell you things you don’t need to hear, but love them anyway because they’re trying. That’s all anyone can do! So keep your head up and I think you’ll be surprised that as you open up you’ll feel comforted in ways you wouldn’t expect. As we recently entered our second IVF cycle we told a lot more people (including my online community for women who work, Livelihood, which scared me to death!) and it was astonishing how much stronger we felt. We weren’t keeping it a secret so our neighbors, friends, and family could support us in different ways. I have felt the power of prayer and love in my lifelike never before.
IG: @livlyhood
UPDATE: This post was written earlier this year, and Britt has since given birth to a perfect little baby boy!! Welcome to the world Tate Emmett Larsen! Three years and two IVF cycles later!
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