My story begins quite some time before I knew of the struggles of infertility. I was in the military and married to a pretty terrible person, but I knew I wanted to be a mother and a wife and so I overlooked abuse and unhappiness towards that goal. I did manage to get pregnant, but miscarried, and followed that up with a divorce and transition from the Army to a career in corporate America. I really began to work on myself and 2 years later I felt renewed, stronger and accelerating quickly in my career. I had been on dates a few times, but I felt like I was too weird, odd or goal oriented to make a connection with anyone, and I made the choice that I’d rather be alone and happy, than with someone and playing some role. I felt good about this decision, and pushed aside those mommy thoughts.
What I didn’t know was that there was a coworker who was admiring me from afar. He was always shy around me but he made his way into my group of friends and about 2 years later admitted that he liked me and I figured sure, lets give this guy a shot, but I will not be something I am not! I refuse to fake liking to hike, or hide my love for BBC mysteries! And to my shock, it made him love me even more! We were, in a word, soulmates, and in 8 months we were engaged, and a year after that we were married.
We both knew that we wanted children and we were so excited to start a family. We started trying and after a year of ovulation tests, and temperature recording and super sexy days of telling my husband “Hey I’m ovulating, it’s go time,” we went to a specialist. The doctor was the best near us and our first appointment broke my heart. He said that my weight was likely the issue for the trouble getting pregnant. I felt like my lack of self control when it came to eating and my lackadaisical approach to exercise had kept us from having a baby. I felt guilty, and fat and disgusting and I could barely look my husband in the face. He was wonderful, and stated that he thought the doctor was wrong, but either way he loved my body and we could move forward however we wanted. I decided to start testing while knocking up the diet and exercise. HCG, blood tests and ovulation tests were all looking good, but my doctor still thought the weight was a the issue, even though I managed to lose 30 pounds in about 5 months.
We then decided to do a sperm analysis and found that my husband had a morphology of zero! According to the urologist, without IVF with ICSI we weren’t going to get pregnant. So at least we had an answer! We went into our IVF meeting, and were shocked by the price tag. The cost would be about $28,000. That was our ENTIRE savings. Our nest egg for our future family. BUT we wanted to have children so badly. So we did it. We committed and went through round 1 of IVF. The process itself wasn’t so bad. I didn’t love the shots or the emotional roller coaster. I felt like a nervous wreck, but my husband was a saint through it all. He held my hand, gave me shots and kissed me when I cried about any and everything.
Our egg retrieval only yielded 10 eggs, and of those 10, only 2 fertilized. When my husband and I found out we both broke down crying. I felt devastated. Only 2?! What if neither one makes it to day 5?! I realized then that my husband had tears of joy. He said “We can make an embryo! I am so happy!” I realized then that I had to control my outlook on things. His optimism gave me hope. Both embryos made it and we transferred them on day 5, the day before my birthday. We were excited and hopeful, although I made sure to be realistic. I feel like I hit the lottery with my husband, no way that was going to happen again.
It was maybe the worst day ever when we got the beta results. Negative. It didn’t work. We had spent all of our savings and I wasn’t pregnant. Two days afterwards I felt a terrible pain in my stomach. When it didn’t go away after a few hours I went to the hospital. I had to have emergency gall bladder removal surgery. At least I didn’t have much time to grieve as I sat in pain in the hospital. We decided to take sometime to recuperate both physically and mentally. The holidays were fast approaching and I didn’t want to add stress. We did go to the post IVF meeting but he couldn’t tell me anything different, and I felt no excitement, no hope and I withdrew.
That’s when I crossed paths with a customer who was asking about my recent surgery and I told her the whole story. She told me that she had a daughter via IVF and she recommended a doctor to me. It was further away than my current doctor, but offered more flexible payment options. I considered it but I didn’t know how we could afford it, even if they were VERY flexible. At Christmas my dad and brother told us they wanted to gift us our next round. My husband and I cried and were so happy that they had given us the most amazing gift! So we called the new doctor to schedule an appointment.
I was nervous for our first meeting, thinking that they would harp on my weight, telling me that that was the issue and I’d have to loose a lot more to move forward. But the doctor didn’t. She seemed sympathetic and understanding and asked questions we were never asked. Did you do a progesterone test before IVF? Why did you get so few eggs? Did they do a biopsy on your husband? No, I don’t know and no. She seemed super optimistic and her positivism was infectious! So now, here we are! Testing testing testing and ramping up to round 2, with a doctor who seems to be shedding more light on our journey! Our story doesn’t end there, but I feel more than ever that we are only a chapter or two away from the goal we have been working towards since the day we met.
– Giuliana Locacy
Instagram: @hodgesivfjourney
Facebook: Giuliana Locacy
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