Jake and Deborah Anderson’s Infertility Story

The hardest thing about going through the fertility process was it showcased all the ways I’d come up short. The bills confronted me with the reality I hadn’t built any savings. The disagreements with Deborah reminded me I still lacked the compassion any feeling person should be able to muster. My inability to conceive of what was actually happening, and what our doctors were saying, called back my agonizing high school days of biology (where I was mercifully granted a “D” by a teacher who couldn’t face the idea of teaching me another semester).

Some failures can feel private, but the most daunting in my mind are those that feel public. The prospect of having to ask family for money. Or texting a friend for the name of any therapist who can get you in ASAP (no explanation given). Or filleting open your personal life to an intake nurse who just can’t make eye contact.

In helping to run FertilityIQ with Deborah, our job is to solicit and make sense of the advice from experts. My favorite comes from Harvard’s Ali Domar: “Make 15 minutes everyday to talk with your partner (if you have one) about the fertility issues. But then stop, go about your day and try again tomorrow.”

For me, if the pain is scheduled, I can steel myself for it. Sometimes, I’m almost eager to get on with it. And if I know the minute it will end for that day, I can surrender myself, metabolize the pain (mine and Deborah’s) and let it produce a truth that always energizes me: “I’m not perfect, and won’t shatter when the rest of the world figures it out.”

And what about those days when it’s 12:59, the conversation’s heated, and we’re at time? When I glance at the clock, will Deborah dump coffee on my head? Never happened. More often than not, knowing we’d pick up the subject tomorrow placated Deborah’s worries we’d never address the unsaid (or unheard). In those times we did runover, I felt like it was a decision we both made, the conversation was robust and the rest of the day was pretty darn good.

There’s data that Arthur Grail from Alfred University sometimes cites: couples that make it through this period are less likely to eventually split. This year, we’re all faced with daunting moments. On multiple occasions I’ve uttered under my breath, “I just don’t think I can make it through this.” But I call on the tools we learned during our struggles, and take comfort in knowing nothing we’ll see tomorrow’s as bad as what we weathered yesterday, and manage to accelerate into those things that in another season of my life surely would have broken me.

– Jake Anderson

Instagram: @fertilityiq

Jake and Deborah run a really incredible site called Fertility IQ where you can review doctors and learn more about infertility and treatments. Check it out HERE!