My name is Mekkena and my husband is Morgan.
About 6 months or so after we were married, I started having random symptoms of things I didn’t recognize. My period cycles have always been irregular, so that didn’t take me by surprise. But I started to gain weight fast and for no apparent reason. I started having more mood swings, bloating, digestion problems, fatigue, painful intercourse, you name it. They just consistently got worse, so I went and saw a holistic doctor who did a Bio meridian Scan to check my organ/blood functions. We found my liver needed some help and that my hormones were imbalanced. They tried multiple diets and supplements to try to get my hormones under control, but nothing really seemed to be working. They put me on Spironolactone and Metformin, but they didn’t do much either. My doctor diagnosed me with PCOS. I don’t seem to have any ovarian cysts or anything of that sort, but with my irregular periods, chronic bloating, weight gain, extra hair growth, etc. it summed up to a version of PCOS.
Once I found this out and realized that doctor’s help wasn’t really getting me anywhere, I searched for another doctor. I found one who ordered me even more blood work and testing and found the same things that my previous doctor did. I then found help at another clinic where they did a Blood Chemistry Analysis and explained to me all that was going on throughout my body. They were concerned about my Adrenal Glands having a tumor because my hormones that are very high are both produced by Adrenals and/or Ovaries. I found a doctor that would order me a CT Scan of my Adrenals and found that there were no tumors, good news, but still no answers. I then got an Ultrasound done on my Uterus and Ovaries, and again, nothing out of the ordinary showed on my results. So good news, but no answers. My husband and I haven’t used protection against getting pregnant for about 2 years of the 3 we have been married without 1 single positive pregnancy test. Quite honestly, I have stopped taking tests because deep down I know they will be negative. I go through these waves of being determined and tracking ovulation and taking all my supplements and vitamins, managing my stress, and eating healthy, to just not having a care in the world. So, to have all these things stacked on top of each other with no answers and many “I don’t know” has been VERY hard to accept. Clearly there is something going on, but no one can find out what is causing it. My OBGYN has a hunch that he doesn’t think I am ovulating (via blood test results), so he wants to start me on the prescription drug “Clomid”. Which seems to be a popular attempt. I find myself conflicted when starting Clomid because I don’t know why my body is doing what it’s doing. I also have an appointment scheduled with a Reproductive Endocrinologist to see if there is further testing, we can do before choosing a path to go down. Another thing we wanted to do was rule Morgan’s fertility out. So, we got a professional at home testing kit and sent that in for testing. His results luckily came back normal, so we can rule that out 🙂
Hopefully we will find some more answers 🙂
Luckily for me I have an AMAZING family and an amazing husband who are so supportive and loving through all this craziness. Anyone going through it knows how exhausting Infertility is! Morgan handles it like a pro, especially on days where I just can’t. For a long time, I was so focused on myself and was forgetting that Morgan hurts from this too. It may be in a different way, but he wants a family just as much as I do. He hurts for me and all my body has endured. He feels for all the appointments I have to go to. He feels it when I just lay in his arms and cry because I don’t know what to do. And he is justified in all of those! It isn’t just me going through this, it’s him to.
I have my good days where I feel like I am on top of my trial and handling it like a pro; lots of hope, positivity, and faith. But I also have my bad days where I don’t feel hope; depression and anxiety about what the future holds. SO many prayers to God! Begging for help, some complaining, many angry feelings, but also love. There are many days where I have to avoid social media because every day it seems there is another pregnancy announcement. I don’t ever want to be the friend going through Infertility that people hesitate to share their good news to, because they know what we are going through. At first, I would become so bitter, so envious, so jealous of what my friends and loved ones were experiencing so easily. Why? Because I LONG for those feelings and experiences! But after time, after many prayers, being humbled… I found a different perspective.
I was keeping everything a “secret” even from my family and friends, like it was failure I had run into. I didn’t want people to know that I was “broken” and that things weren’t going the way we planned. But I saw a friend open on social media about her Infertility story and my heart ACHED for her. And that’s when I knew I needed to share our story. I tearfully got myself to type up our experience and posted for all to see. It was terrifying. But all I received back was SO MUCH LOVE. So much hope. Best of all I found SO many other women going through the same type of journey. I found an Infertility community that welcomed me with so much love and comfort. I truly felt half the burden was lifted just because of that. I realized I am NOT BROKEN. I realized I have NOT done ANYTHING wrong. And that I am not any LESS of a woman because I don’t get pregnant as easy as Susan down the street or because I am not a mom yet. God created our bodies the way they are on purpose. And I truly believe that.
I have a strong relationship with God. I know that Morgan and I were given this trial for a reason and that maybe, just maybe God wanted to POLISH us a little more into who He knows we can become. Maybe there is room for me to learn about myself and my STRENGTH to overcome hard things. It is SO hard to have such a righteous desire for something and only stand by to watch others receive it. But I realized that’s not my choice to make- it’s God’s choice to decide when and how our family comes to pass. It’s about LEARNING about myself and about Morgan. It’s about soaking up all this time we have together just him and I! There are SO many things that will change forever once we have children, so why not do ALL those things that we won’t always be able to do? We decided this year of 2021 we were going to make sure we were doing things that made us HAPPY! I started dancing again-which I haven’t done in years but missed SO much. We get random road trips- just us- whenever we want! We get to grow closer together…
For me, I know that God has a plan for our family. I still have bad days, I still don’t have answers, I am still on the search for the right doctor to do the right tests…but I am ALLOWING myself to be happy. To be happy in-between all the appointments. To be happy while we wait for test results, etc. I have finally come to a place where I am ALLOWING myself to just. be. happy. I have come to a place where I can TRULY, honestly feel happiness and excitement for my friends and loved ones who get pregnant. I have come to a place where I can ACCEPT this trial for what it is, and not make it worse than it is. God never said there was a timeline for starting your family, so I shouldn’t have a timeline either. I know for now, they are in His hand until they can be in mine :).
Instagram: @_kikel101
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