It has been thirteen years since I first stepped on this infertility road that I knew nothing about. It turns out I am not the only one walking on it and I am so grateful for others that have reached out and steadied me with each new bump or held my hand with every sharp turn. We were married 13 years ago and wanted nothing more than to start a family right away. Three months later, I was pregnant! Little did I know that it would be years before I would hold a baby of my own in my arms.
We miscarried twice that year. I had been in a severe car accident just one year earlier where I had broken my pelvis in several places, but I had healed beautifully. In fact, they said I was a walking miracle! But was infertility an unseen consequence of my injuries? As students with only access to our little health center on campus, we weren’t getting any answers. For the next two years I was lost and broken. I became obsessed with getting pregnant and thought that was the only way to get us back to happiness. I had no idea how to process what I was going through and I started eating uncontrollably and gaining weight rapidly. I had gotten pregnant so easily before but over the next couple of years I only received negative results. I gained 90 pounds on top of my already overweight number and I was a wreck. I knew I needed help with my weight but couldn’t seem to stop. I truly felt that if I could get my body to a healthy place then maybe I could have a baby. I decided to audition for NBC’s reality show ‘The Biggest Loser’. I was shocked when I made it past the first round of auditions, and completely floored each time I made it through to the next round. Eventually, I found out that I had made it on the show! This was it! This was my chance and my life was about to change forever! But a couple of days before I was supposed to fly out to start filming, I received a call telling me that the network had made a change to the cast and I was no longer on the show. I was devastated! Why? Why did I have to go through all of that just to have it taken away from me? Why did everything seem to fall perfectly in to place just to have it not work out? Why? And then I peed on a stick and got my answer. After two years of negative test after negative test, I was finally pregnant! OF COURSE that’s why I couldn’t go on this show! I was pregnant! It was finally my turn! That was my reason why! I was over the moon.
A month later I was sitting in our office when I felt an explosion in my stomach. It was sharp and the pain escalated from there. I lied down for what felt like hours until eventually I stopped feeling the pain and started feeling like I was floating. Sleep and comfort were finally coming, so I thought, but what I didn’t know is that I had been internally bleeding for some time. Luckily, something got me out of bed and as I tried to make it to the bathroom I passed out and made enough noise that my husband heard and found me. I passed out three times before the ambulance got there and rushed me to the hospital and right into surgery. I had an ectopic pregnancy that had ruptured and had been bleeding out for hours. It was a close call but they saved my life. But they had to take my baby and my fallopian tube… and my reason why. I have since learned that we don’t always get to know the reason why. Sometimes we are just challenged to have faith without knowing the answers we desire.
The following day after surgery I received a call from The Biggest Loser letting me know they were already starting casting for the next season and they wanted me to audition again. This time I actually made it on the show and went on to lose over 100 lbs. The rest of my experiences on the show would require an entirely different blog post.
I hoped that being at a healthier weight would help me get pregnant, but it wasn’t happening. With one tube down we decided it was time to seek help from a fertility clinic. In October 2011, we did our first cycle of IVF. We opted to test the embryos to give us the greatest chance for success and put in our two strongest, which were two boys. I wasn’t expecting it to fail. I was 27 years old and relatively healthy. So, when I received the call from my doctor that it didn’t work, I was absolutely gutted. We jumped right in and tried another cycle with our next two healthiest embryos, which happened to be two more boys. We just weren’t meant to have a boy first I guess! That cycle failed as well and I just couldn’t take it anymore.
We signed up to train for a half marathon and wanted to do anything else but try to have a baby. My heart just needed a break for a minute. One day I received a call from my dear friend who had a friend with a pregnant daughter who was looking for a family to place her baby with. She KNEW that this was our baby, but I was so scared to get hurt again. When we met Bailey, it was as if we were family all along. She was only 16 weeks pregnant when she chose us to adopt her baby. We got to be there at the ultrasound when we found out that we would be having a baby girl! And a few weeks after she chose us, the craziest thing happened. Without IVF, without charting, counting, testing, and obsessing, I found out that I was pregnant. And this time it stuck! In June 2012 our first daughter Jade was born and 14 weeks later our second daughter Ruby was born! They waited till they could come together and they are the perfect pair.
When Ruby was 15 months old we experienced our second ectopic pregnancy. Even though it resulted in the same surgery, this doctor left my tube in with the slight hope that it would heal and I could still conceive again someday. We spent the next 6 years trying for that. In 2019 it was confirmed that my remaining tube was completely blocked and couldn’t serve its purpose. The only way for us to have a baby again would be to do IVF. So we started over, harvested eggs, fertilized them, hoped they’d survive, tested the ones that did, and ended up transferring (for the third time) two baby boys in July 2019. This time it worked and I got pregnant! At my 7 week ultrasound I found out I was having twin boys! Once the shock wore off, our entire house jittered with excitement. Then a few weeks later one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was sit my little girls down and tell them that one of the twins had died. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that heartache.
The remainder of my pregnancy was full of scares, ending with delivering my baby early because he was measuring 4 weeks behind. What were we going to find when he was born? I could feel him alive inside of me but what would happen once he was born? And if he did survive, would he be in the NICU forever? I’m not sure how to describe the feeling of hearing him cry for the first time. “He’s alive!?” you can hear me ask on the video my husband took. I couldn’t believe it! After almost 8 years he was here and he was perfectly healthy! Micah was born on March 12, 2020. The day before the world shut down. Getting him here was so hard and then having him here in the beginning of a pandemic was something I could never have prepared for. He had colic and never slept. He just cried day and night. But no one was allowed in or out. It was the hardest year of my life. So, it was shocking to our families and friends when we announced that we have decided to do IVF again! We have an 8 year gap between our girls and our baby and we feel like if we can give him a sibling closer in age, we’d like to try.
This month we did our fourth round of IVF. You’d think it might get easier to hear that it failed but it doesn’t. This time we put in one baby boy and he will not be joining our family. But I have gained a deep appreciation for God’s perfect timing. It’s still disappointing when His timing doesn’t line up with mine but I fully trust that the best thing for our family is in the works. Not just some consolation prize for withstanding the hardship of infertility, but the BEST thing for my family is coming. And I believe that is the case for every family that goes through this. You won’t be thrown an old bone after you’ve endured long enough. I truly don’t believe that’s how this works. I believe the very best situation for your family has always been in motion and will be delivered in a perfect timing that is beyond my understanding. I cringe a little even saying that out loud because I HATED hearing that during those many hard years of longing for a baby when it wasn’t happening. But I believe it now with all my heart.
Had we had children on our timetable we wouldn’t have been chosen to adopt Jade yet she is undoubtedly meant for our family. We have grown as a couple and as a family as we have prayed, pleaded, poked, and prodded to get our babies here. As hard as it has been, I am deeply grateful for the growth we have experienced and the miracles and blessings we have witnessed along the way. We will continue on this road and when our family is complete I will forever stay as part of the pit crew, cheering on others as they trek on this road of infertility.
Instagram: @sarahnittacreative
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